You are for me

"I know that you are for me" These are lyrics to a Kari Jobe song. It has become my mantra. I know that you are for me, Lord. You hold me up. You shield my way. You're my strength. You're my everything.

I haven't written in a while. I've started to write many times... but get lost in my inability to capture moments, feelings, places, and people with words. I am not a great writer. I write, yes.. but when I write I feel inadequate. I wish I had the gift of drawing you into my words... the ability to recreate things from here for you to enjoy where you are... but I only try.
Lately, it's been more hard than easy. My kids are becoming less adorable each time they say "Ms. Sipe". My perservence and interest in teaching Ancient Greece is waning. It's hard for me to enjoy church.. because, quite frankly, nothing compares to my Freedom Church. I get irritated with my Spanish (in)abilities. It's just hard. I'm getting to where I feel like I did about half-way through studying abroad in Spain: I'm counting down. This is when I know that I'm no longer living in each moment the Lord gives me. I'm constantly trying to refocus on the present, and what I can do in each moment.
There are a lot of things going on in my family that I'm not going to elaborate on. I was finally able to pray about those things (in more depth), than I've been able to. I just felt the Lord calling to me, wanting me to lay it all out for him to take hold of. That began what has turned into a very emotional day. I cried today- really cried- for the first time since I've been here. I've been feeling like an emotional robot- like I was aware of the things going on, yet inable to FEEL anything. Today I got the release that I had been praying for. And then, with the Lord's guidance, and the encouragement of a sweet friend, I was able to share these things with my lovely roomies and they prayed for me. It was the sweetest and most humbling moment I've had here. It was different for me... as I am not usually on this end of things. It was freeing.
I love my friends at home. It's very difficult for me to be here because there are a few people in my life whom I am usually very connected with. I feel like I'm missing out on major things that are happening in their lives: almost engagements (haha), issues with boyfriends, going on dates, moves, first year of teaching... things I should be there for. Facebook messages and Skype chats just aren't sufficing it for those friendships. I cannot wait for Christmas; I'm praying for it to be a sweet time of re-connecting with family and friends. A time of focusing what really matters: the Lord and one another. I CANNOT wait. :) Pray that my priorities are in the right order: the Lord, family, and then friends. I'm a social girl... I try to do too many things!
The Lord has provided a family here that I can't thank him enough for. I feel loved and affirmed most every day. I can't imagine a better workplace; I can't imagine living here without a few key ladies in my life. They're teaching me things about myself that I didn't know... they're showing me things that I've never seen. The Lord definitely uses relationships to "prune" us; and pruning He is definitely doing. So, thank you ladies for being who you are to me; I love you!
God has brought the story of Abraham to mind (through sermons, Bible sermons, songs, friends, you name it) countless times since I've been here. He's been whispering, "Trust me... trust me... trust me..." And I've been questioning, "Will you catch me, Lord? Are you faithful? Are you good, Lord? Do you love me?" It's my lack of faith that holds me back. My lack of trust. So, Lord, I put my trust in you, yet again. I lay my worries, my hopes, my dreams, my pain... all on the altar. May they be a fragrant offering, Father.
It's almost Thanksgiving. We don't like Thanksgiving in my family because it reminds us of my Grandmother. She died from breast cancer about 9 years ago. When she was alive we went to the Outer Banks each year at this time... and most Easters. Many of my favorite childhood memories include Santa's Workshop visits, Apple Uglies, Christmas movies, jacuzzis with my cousins, Christmas crafts, and GM. I miss her. This year we're going to the beach. I'm very excited about such things. I plan on spending lots of time with the Lord, as well as laughing a lot with my friends. It shall be fun.
Time is a funny thing. I really can't believe it's only/already been four months since I left home. On one hand I feel like I've been here forever, and on the other I feel like I just left. I can't wait to see what amazing things the Lord is going to do in my life over the next 19 months (O my goodness... 19) It's sure to be hard and wonderful! :)